Sweet Revenge
by drakkhammer
Summary: Pairing: Dwalin/Nori (Rated M for cookies) It's never a good idea to insult Nori. Nope. Not a good idea at all. This story was based on this hysterical cartoon by Hattedhedgehog:


Dwalin knew it was his fault but his stubborn Dwarven nature wouldn't let him admit it. Nori knew it was his fault too but like Dwalin, wasn't about to take a share of the blame. Fuck that. Apologizing was for Hobbits.

It had all started with a perfectly reasonable idea. The problem was the handling and the communication of said idea quickly sent it swirling down the loo. They both worked security, with Dwalin being the Commander of Security, or Lord High Poobah as Nori insisted on calling him. Dwalin had no idea what the fuck that meant, but he was pretty sure it wasn't totally a compliment.

In response, he dubbed Nori The Creeper Supreme, something that rubbed Nori a little harder than it was meant to. So what if his security duties were mostly keeping an ear to the ground and listening for unrest, or plots that could undermine the rebuilding of Erebor. It was an important job, as his intel had thwarted a plot against the throne by a small band of Iron Hill Dwarves who thought that Thorin should have stepped down and given Dane the crown. The fact that they were quite willing to murder both of Thorin's heirs to achieve this change in leadership earned them long incarceration in the hastily renovated prison.

Nori chafed at being given orders by his significant other. Well to be honest, he chafed at being given orders by anyone. But as he put it, "I'm under you enough at night, do I have to be under you all day as well?"

It was unfortunate that Dwalin found this complaint hysterically funny and didn't take it as seriously as it was meant. He really didn't give Nori all that many orders. He was not a stupid Dwarf and knew his lover far too well to boss him around. But sometimes, as good at his job as he was, Nori needed a wee bit of guidance. Unfortunately Dwalin tended to give that guidance with the same subtlety that he wielded Grasper and Keeper, his huge axes. And therein lay the rub, as they say.

Nori's ego was already smarting from having Dwalin alert him to the presence of a caravan of merchants from south of Gondor. Of course he knew about them. He'd known about them ever since they'd skirted Gondor by way of the Ash Mountains. Insult was added to injury when he felt the need to tell him (in front of witnesses, no less) that he needed to keep a close eye on them. That they were Men would have been reason enough to alert Nori, not to mention that they came from an area that was not totally friendly with the local settlements. Dwalin's, less than subtle, order irritated him to the point where he said some very rude things using very rude words – not all of which were under his breath.

Dwalin, hated being called out in front of his men and had to struggle to keep his temper. He was also the experienced warrior, whereas Nori's expertise revolved mainly around separating the unsuspecting from their money. He had a duty to give Nori orders even though he'd be the first one to admit that he needed to learn to use a bit of finesse with the fiery redhead.

He was about to apologize when Nori managed to pull one more zinger out of his store of unpleasantries and the apology died before it was born. Dwalin's lips thinned and he lifted his head, focusing on the wall in front of him. If it hadn't been stone, it would have burst into flame.

"If that's the way yer feelin' about it. I guess there's no more ta be said." Without looking at Nori, he dismissed his men and slammed out of the room.

Nori watched him go, knowing that he'd fucked up. He could only push Dwalin just so far before the big Dwarf's short fuse burned down and he either exploded, or stamped off. Since he'd seen Dwalin explode before, Nori had to admit that he much preferred the walking out, even if it did mean that an apology on his part was going to be necessary…and he really, really hated to apologize.

Saying that Dwalin could be dumber than a bag of dicks hadn't been the best move, even if it was true. Nori didn't need to be told to do his job, or how to do it. He just needed to be left the hell alone to be _able_ to do it. Dwalin wanted guards on the caravan of Men, but that would be too obvious if the merchants had plans other than selling their wares. Spying was what Nori was best at and spying was what he intended to do. He'd give them plenty of rope and if the Men chose to hang themselves with it, then that was just fine with him.

Nori poured himself glass of wine, downed it in one gulp, and then went to collect his men. This was going to be fun.

Dwalin was pissed off. As much as he loved and respected Nori, he very much wanted to wring his neck and hang him up by his braids right now. He was pretty sure that at least one of his men had heard that last crack about being dumber than a bag of dicks. If so, it would be all over the barracks in hours and he just might have to knock a few heads. Smiling at that possibility, he headed down to his office.

Much to Nori's surprise, the caravan appeared to be comprised mostly of honest men who really did want to open up a trade route. They were strange looking, with dark skin and some black stuff around their eyes and wore clothing in colors he associated with Dwarrowdams and maids. Their speech was strangely accented but intelligible and the leader had astonished Balin by bowing and greeting him formally in Khuzdul. He'd obviously learned it phonetically but Balin could recognize it and gave him points for trying. Thorin was going to be very pleased to hear about the bargain the leader and Balin had struck.

Nori and his men marked two of the traders to keep an eye on and he let himself relax a little and visit several of the booths they had set up in the marketplace. There was no reason he couldn't combine spying with a bit of shopping.

He looked at the strangely curved knives in one stall. He didn't think they would stand up to Dwarven use but they were beautifully crafted. He did splurge one a small dagger that was made to be concealed in one's clothing. He also checked out a fascinating harness that could be strapped onto his arm to hide a number of small knives. That had potential but the price was steeper than he wanted to play and the merchant couldn't be bargained down. Ah well, such is life. He moved on to the other stalls.

One vendor had sweetmeats and other treats spread out in a fascinating array of shapes and colors. Nori wasn't that much into sweets but Dwalin was. He tried a sample of something call marzipan and knew that his lover would adore it. He bought two bags of it when he discovered that was soft enough to shape. The vendor had molds, but Nori declined them. He had something else in mind.

He also tried a sample of a type of cookie that was made from the same almond stuff that the marzipan was. He grinned and bought two tins of that as well and was happy that the recipe for the cookies was included. His plan had begun to broaden. He'd been right earlier; this was definitely going to be fun.

Dwalin's mood had been better. If anyone was laughing about his go-round with Nori, they were being very discreet. It was just as well; it never looks good to punch one of your guards, even if it would have made him feel a lot better.

He sat there pondering how he should handle it. Technically it had been insubordination, but he also knew that he had been out of line. Nori knew his job and had no need of Dwalin's assistance. On the other hand there was no need for Nori to be so insulting. He was _not_ dumber than a bag of dicks! And where _had_ Nori gotten that expression?

Dwalin pulled his lunch out of the drawer, unwrapped the sandwich and poured himself a mug of ale from the carafe in the cabinet. He still wasn't sure if he should go with an apology or retaliation. He heaved a sigh. It really all came down to deciding if he ever wanted to get laid again.

Nori, for his part, was having much more fun. He paid a visit to Bombur at his pub and asked about baking. Bombur referred him to Beryl as being the baker of the family. She was as round and jolly as her husband and quickly put him at ease. She was more than willing to show him how to whip up a batch of cookies and cut them into diamond shapes with a simple device she said Bomber made for her. Nori was so interested and appreciative that when he left she even gave him a decorating tube and some coloring. "He's such a nice lad," she said happily to Bombur. "I just know he's going to make something special for someone."

On his way home, Nori stopped by the tinsmith and purchased a small strip. Like most Dwarves, he'd learned to work metal when he was a pebble, but he didn't have jewelry crafting in mind this time. He took the tin back to the quarters he shared with Dwalin, got out his tools and got busy.

Dwalin was nearly afraid to come home after he left the barracks. He was torn between feeling the need to apologize and feeling even more deeply that he should be the one getting the apology. Yes, he'd been wrong, but he hadn't been rude or insulting and Nori had been both. He'd been insubordinate and that couldn't go unpunished.

As soon as that thought crossed his mind, Dwalin winced. Discipline and punishment only meant one thing to Nori and Dwalin definitely wasn't up to dealing with handcuffs, black leather and dildos again. Sometimes that Dwarf made him question his life choices.

He opened the door cautiously, trying to be as quiet as possible. It was always good to know ahead of time, which way the wind was blowing with Nori. Fortunately this time it was much calmer than he'd expected.

Dwalin shrugged out of his gear and hung it up and ventured further into the apartment. The scent of roast hung heavy on the air. Venison he guessed, with turnips and onions. It could easily qualify as his favorite meal and he could feel his mouth watering. The question was why would someone so thoroughly pissed off at him make his favorite dinner?

Frankly, he wasn't sure he wanted the answer.

Dwalin hadn't quite made it to the living area when Nori appeared around the corner. His usually elaborately styled hair was slightly mussed and it looked as if he had something white in it on one side. He gave Dwalin a sly smile as he walked up and slide his arms around his lover's shoulders. Dwalin tensed.

But Nori massaged his shoulders and stood tiptoe to kiss him hello. He let himself relax a little. Maybe he hadn't made Nori as mad as he'd thought, although there was that whole "dicks" comment that he'd have to deal with sooner or later. But this was nice. It was unexpected and very, very nice.

Dwalin cautiously returned the kiss and slipped his arms around Nori. The Dwarf was nearly as slender as Kili, but as he'd reminded his burly lover, a chunky Dwarf can't outrun anyone. And Mahal knows Nori had needed to outrun plenty of Dwarves, a number of Men and even the occasional Elf. His agility and speed had kept his family fed more than once back in the Blue Mountains. The big Dwarf slid his hand appreciatively down Nori's back. The bad times were gone and Nori's agility served them both well in bed. He'd learned to appreciate the old saying, "The nearer the bone, the sweeter the meat."

Dinner went better than Dwalin has expected with Nori in fine fettle, smiling and refilling Dwain's mug with ale. He relaxed and vowed to make it all up to Nori in bed. Dinner had been Nori's apology but Dwalin had something a little more athletic in mind. He smiled to himself thinking how much fun it would be.

He helped Nori clean the table and wondered about dessert. Then Nori told him that his brothers and Balin would be stopping by for afters. That explained it. Dwalin quite liked Balin and thought of Ori rather as a pet. Dori he could do without. He was nice enough but appeared to have been born with an axe handle up his arse. He gave new meaning to the term "fussy" and Dwalin had to nearly physically restrain himself from ruffling that prig's carefully crafted hairdo. The fact that he'd given up so much to raise his younger brothers made Dwalin cut him all kinds of slack though. And, at the end of the day, he'd grudgingly admit that he'd do just about anything for Dori. Well, maybe he wouldn't admit it but he'd damn sure do it.

Dwalin had time for a relaxing smoke before there was a knock on the door. He let Nori answer it. He was tired and took a few minutes longer to relax with his feet up. After all, it was just family, even if he could hear Fili and Kili talking. Lord, did the younger prince ever shut the hell up?

Nori answered the door and was surprised to see Fili and Kili. Those two were a matched set and he was pretty sure they did everything together. Well, hopefully not _everything_ … Knocking that thought from his head, he invited everyone in.

Balin was the first one to spot the cookies. There was a platter of them set out with a pot of tea and more in a transparent glass cookie jar. He headed for them and then stopped dead.

And stared.

Ori however, was just hungry. He breezed past Balin and grabbed up a cookie. He was halfway through eating it when he looked up and noticed Fili and Kili. They were staring at him with a mix of astonishment and embarrassment.

He stopped chewing and stared back.

"What?"

Kili pointed at him.

Ori looked down at his front and then looked behind him. There was nothing there but the wall. He took another bite of cookie.

"Oh for Mahal's sake, Ori. Put it down!"

His brother's voice had a sharp edge to it and he looked at the apparently offending cookie in his hand. There wasn't much left and it tasted just fine. "What's the matter with everyone?

"This. This is what's the matter," Balin said, holding up one of the cookies.

Ori looked at it and blinked.

And then blinked again.

And then started to giggle.

Reaching over, he took the offending cookie out of Balin's hand. "If you don't want it – give it here."

He held it aloft with a wicked smile that looked totally out of place on the usually shy Dwarf.

"It's a dick!" he proclaimed … and bit the head off of the anatomically correct cookie.

Balin forgot what he was going to say and both Fili and Kili sounded as if they were going to strangle.

That was enough to get Dwalin up and moving. He barged into the room and slid to a halt in front of Ori, who was munching away without a care in the world. He looked at Ori, then at Balin and then the plate of cookies on the table.

Kili took a step back.

Suddenly the big Dwarf threw his head back and laughed. Peal after peal of laugher rang out as he looked from Balin to Ori to Dori who was nearly purple with either contained laugher or rage. It was hard to tell with him. Ori popped the balls part of the cookie into his mouth and bit down smugly. Dori made a strangled sound and Dwalin doubled over, laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.

Nori, who had been waiting by the door just in case an escape was in order, ventured into the room. He looked at Dwalin, who was straightening up, wiping tears from his eyes and then at the rest of the Dwarves. Fili and Kili had joined Dwalin in laughter, Balin was pouring himself a cuppa and shaking his head in amusement. Dori looked on the verge of apoplexy, but then that was normal for him, so Nori wasn't worried.

Nori smiled at him and If looks could kill, the one Dori shot him would have incinerated him on the spot. He couldn't help joining in the laughter. Ah, a two-for-one shot. These kinds of victories were not to be sneezed at. Pissing off Dori while amusing Dwalin was the best kind of prank. It had been worth all of the work in the kitchen and with shaping the bloody cookie cutter.

When Dwalin could speak he waved in the general direction of the cookies. "I said something I shouldn't have today and so did Nori." He picked up a cookie and grinned. "This is either an apology or payback. I'm not sure which."

He bit the head off the cookie and winked. "Either way, it's pretty sweet."

Everyone but Dori found it hilarious and soon they were all sitting at the table passing around the platter of cookies and pouring tea. Dori finally unbent after some non-dick-shaped cookies were produced. He smiled as he admitted that his brother knew him far too well.

The topic of the night became "memorable fuckups" and Dwalin led the way by telling of the time when he was young and stupid and he left his axe under the bed of a pickup in a pub whose wife arrived in the middle of their tryst. She found the axe before he could reclaim it and horrified him by using it to split kindling.

Nori tried to top it with a story about trying burgle a room on the second story of an inn, losing his balance and falling into a manure pile.

Fili and Kili chimed in about the time they went drinking, met up with twins who were absolutely gorgeous, and then proceeded to get so completely hammered they forgot about them and went home arm-in-arm singing a Mannish drinking song.

Balin would admit nothing as befits the Elder Brother and Counsel to the King of Erebor.

But it was Dori who topped them all by telling of the time when he was young and brash, and far more athletic than he was now, when he won a wrestling contest and the eye of a fair Dwarrowmaid. They were both too young to marry but not to young to be interested in finding out about all the things they didn't teach you in biology. It ended with her parents coming in and him fleeing with neither pants nor boots and only his tunic to stand between him and his scandalized maths teacher who just happened to be passing by. Oddly enough, his next exam contained an extra question: What do you call a Dwarf with neither boots nor britches?" He'd finally given up answering and slunk out of the room when the answer turned out to be…"em-bare-assed."

After everyone left, Dwalin helped clean up and then hinted strongly that perhaps an early bedtime might be in order. This was something Nori completely agreed with and followed him to their sleeping chamber.

Dwalin stripped, looking even more devastating than usual. Nori watched him, eyes following the ripple of his muscles and heaved a little sigh. He let Dwalin get into bed, then stripped and slid onto the bed to straddle the old warrior.

He leaned down and kissed the tip of Dwalin's nose. "I'm sorry I said you were dumber than a bag of dicks."

Dwalin looked puzzled. Out and out apologies just were not Nori's style. "Uh…and I'm sorry that I told you how to do your job."

Nori leaned back, looking smug. "Well, that's more like it. But what I really meant is you are not as sweet as a bag of dicks."

A thick, scarred eyebrow arched upward questioningly.

Nori reached down to his side and produced a small cloth bag and dangled it in front of Dwalin's nose. The older Dwarf reached up and took it, bouncing it in his palm.

"Well, open it."

The gleam in Nori's eyes frankly made Dwalin a little nervous. He pulled the drawstring and tried to look inside but the bag was too small and the room too dimly lit. Pushing up a bit to make room for his arms, he upended the bag into his palm and looked at the contents in stunned silence.

Then he started to giggle which turned into a full-throated roar of laugher. Catching his breath, he looked down at the marzipan in his palm.

Lovingly crafted in shades of pink were a dozen tiny dicks.

Nori grinned in triumph. "Since you are one, I thought I'd make you one…your very own bag of dicks!"

Dwalin was smiling when he bit the head off of one and offered the other to Nori, who took it slowly, sucking on his fingers as he did.

At some point the rest of the candy made it onto the nightstand, the bag ended up wrapped around Dwalin's big toe and the bed was thoroughly trashed. As Nori drifted toward blissful sleep, he made a mental note to include dicks in all of his apologies to Dwalin. He'd have to top cookies though. Maybe…he could make a cake the next time…


End file.
